People always meet each other

“People always meet each other at the same level of emotional growth (development)  or trauma recovery (resolution). This means they find someone who matches their level. But when one person starts growing  and the other does not, it becomes impossible. Either the person that is growing gives it up and goes back to the previous level, which is almost impossible, or the other person is challenged to start growing themselves or they are going to split. That is what always happens.”

Dr. Gabor Mate

The author of “The Myth of Normal (Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture)”

Other than blood ties, every acquaintance and relationship in our lives typically results from our choices to be in certain places or interact with certain individuals. Those choices are also based on our conscious and subconscious preferences and priorities in the smallest details of life. I can never consider myself a victim of the differences in understanding, social level, and cultural background of my spouse’s family members,  friends, or colleagues and feeling trapped or enslaved by these relationships. Because by choosing someone as a spouse or friend, or choosing a job, I accept interactions and relationships with her/his family members and colleagues who have these characteristics. So, in that particular time and under those specific circumstances, whether mistakenly or rightly, I might have perceived myself to be on an equal footing with them as I entered into such interactions and relationships. Therefore, if after some time I realize a mistake in assessing the level, or with personal growth, the differences become apparent and bothersome to me, instead of considering myself a victim or trapped, I should seek solutions to manage relationships and take practical steps to improve the situation. Actions that can be taken in these situations, in my view, are not necessarily black and white or binary.[1] In other words, actions exist along a spectrum with unclear and intertwined boundaries. Depending on the relationships involved and the flexibility of each party in terms of change, interaction, and growth, there are various solutions available.

In the context of blood ties, the same principle applies. In relationships between parents and children, siblings, and even extended family members such as aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews, whenever one party, usually the older individual, stagnates in their thinking, personality, and maturity, and fails to evolve in sync with the needs and preferences of younger generations and the demands of societal changes, that relationship is destined for stagnation and death or difficulties and bitterness in its continuity. So it seems that even in relationships where we had no role in their choice, the choice for change or stagnation can determine whether the continuation is healthy or toxic, or whether it ends altogether.

My lived experience across all types of relationships I’ve had confirms the initial statements of the text. Where one party in a relationship does not support the irreversible growth of the other in various aspects and instead attempts to undermine, demean, control, or devalue the person through various means, the healthy continuation of that relationship becomes unlikely.

We see this issue in the relationships between people and government as well. Where there is a disparity in growth, maturity, and development between the nation and the state, tension and conflict arise. Although one may temporarily maintain such a relationship through force, power, and wealth, ultimately this relationship will end in demise.

many thinkers and great minds have existed at a level of understanding, comprehension, personal growth, maturity, and intelligence that exceeded that of their society, yet their society could not accept them and, wielding greater power, sought to eliminate them. Ironically, these very thinkers have become the legends of science, philosophy, and art in subsequent generations of the same society, and their works have become the foundation for new scholars in modern times.

This rule is understandable in the parent-child relationship as well. A parent who does not evolve in sync with the inherent growth and upward trajectory of their child, and fails to seize this opportunity for their growth, is at best condemned to isolation. Even if during the period of their child’s incapacity and childhood, when power lies in their hands, they impose their beliefs and preferences on them completely.

Indeed, nature inherently flows and is constantly evolving and changing. Our companionship as humans with nature, including being in harmony with this flow and upward trajectory, is the best and most secure path to leading a satisfying life.[2]

[1] . By “black and white,” you mean either completely cutting off the relationship or fully committing to a person in all dimensions.

[2] . I’m not saying we should mimic nature, because as humans, we are also part of nature and a part cannot mimic the whole because it’s not separate from it. Instead, for improvement and harmony, we should align ourselves and accompany it.